hmm...I think a lot of you who saw a comment on my tagboard from Soon Ann would not exactly understand what he meant. I'd like to share this, even though I already shared it in SSS today, because I think it's important...
On Friday, also the same day that I eccentrically blogged so much, I received an sms that night from my community group (CG) leader from the meta camp that I attended end of last year that something had happened to one of fellow members. I was talking to stephanie at that time, and I thought that maybe Lily (the affected member) was warded or something. But then the 2nd sms came.
Lily had committed suicide that morning and was DEAD.
I was shocked. Flustered. And I didn't know what to do. I guess my direct sign of response was... I burst out crying...and I had to end any conversation from everyone except some of my CG members. That night, I was totally unstable and in a horrid state of shock. I went around the house in a total blur, and multitudes of questions formed inside the puny head of mind. Why did God allow this to happen? Where was He? Why did she choose to jump? Why didn't she find strength in God since she's a Christian?
On Saturday, things didn't seem to be any better in my emotional world. I went for a choir workshop totally distracted, and easily irritated by many things in my surroundings. The only person I told was the president, because I needed a reason for not giving my best during the workshop. Fortunately, my choir didn't have to sing in the end. Saved by the grace of God :) Straight after that, the sec 4 choir people had CCA CIP...we had to go to Owen Road to perform for old folks and help them bring donated stuff to their rooms. But when we started the rehearsals and everyone was dancing happily, I realised that I couldn't take it. How could I be joyful and bring joy to others when I was feeling so horrible? Instead, I kind of broke down. They asked me to go home first, but I stayed to watch them instead. After all, the wake was to be at Kallang later.
After the CIP finally ended, I took a train down to the library to get the books for my project research. I guess that was one way to get my mind of what I was actually feeling inside. I read the resource books for a while before heading to Kallang. At the station later, I met up with some of my CG members: Deborah, Faith and Yong Zhi. We then took a bus down to her house. From the time I received the news of her death, to the time I arrived at the location of her wake, I lived in total denial. I kept thinking, maybe they were lying to me. Maybe this was just some cruel joke they were playing on me. But when I got to her block, things hit me right in the face. There was to be no more denial, no more lying to myself. Everything was true. A tear- stricken Soon Ann greeted us, and brought us before her coffin. The photograph of her looked to happy, so innocent, and she was smiling so cheerfully, just like the time when I first met her. After writing a message in a book for her, I was asked if I wanted to see her face. I have never attended any wake as far as I can remember, but bracing myself, I eventually stepped forward and look at her enbalmed face. The angelic beauty and peacefulness that her face showed struck me so hard. Why wasn't her actual life like that? What drove her so hard that it could make her do something so foolish?
I sat down with my CG and I think we really had a good talk that night. They helped me understand a lot of the things I didn't understand. To many, Christianity is a religion. But it's not. It's a relationship with God, and this is the only lifeline that's making me hold on to this life. Without God, I would probably have done what she did by now. Honestly. And I think that's what Lily forgot during the last days of her life. The depth in her relationship with God had probably become a lot shallower, and that made her gave in to a huge lie; that there was no purpose for her to live on. Why did God allow this to happen? Where was He? Guess what? He was right beside her. He allowed it because he gave us choices to make. He never programmed us to become robots that only do as they are commanded. I believe God's heart was shattered when she decided to take her life. But, He is an Almighty God. And He will take something bad and turn it around into something good. How? We shall see in the future :)......
I just want to encourage everyone, whether you believe in God, or you think He is the most evil thing in the world, this same God loves you. And everything that you go through is allowed because he has plans for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. The suicide rate in Singapore is escalating so drastically. People decide to end their earthly problems by taking their lives, and lives of others, but what happens after that? The biggest problem starts. I can admit and proclaim, I NEED GOD. Without Him, I'm nothing. Absolutely nothing. And my final hope and wish (should I die in time to come) is that all my friends would realise that God loves them, and just accept Him as their friend and savior as well. But the choice is still yours. Just as God didn't make us robots, I would never force anyone to beilieve. But I know I need God. And so do all of my Christian friends. We have the most beautiful relationship we can ever have. We're all brothers and sisters in Christ :) That's really, really great!
For all Christians, quiet time is not for anyone else's sake but ours. If we don't renew our minds every day, we will be in danger of taking in lies and believing them. Also, The Great Commision isn't just there to sound very chim. We must act on it if we want to see our beloved friends forever. People need the Lord. Don't wait till someone close to you dies before you realise that time is crucial. It's running out. What will be you next move?
